Sunday, January 10, 2010

I've Got the Blues!

Bad Joke: What do you get when Tinkerbelle has a wild night out with The Blue Man Group? An Avatar!

Worse Joke: What may be the biggest grossing movie of all time? Avatar!

It’s 20th Century Fox that should get an award! Never in the history of American pop culture has something so light become something so heavy. If my twelve year old daughter can call all the shots ahead of time, there’s not much plot. Everyone’s seen motion tracking of computer graphics before (even if they are tall and blue!) Never has hype gone so high! All hail hype!

Avatar is a lot of things. It’s long. It’s really long. Long? Let’s just say it’s endless! It’s secretly a comedy. In one ending scene, the lead insane military bad guy (representing the entire human race) rightly envisions the Avatars as Viet Cong flashbacks from his youth. He will kill, kill, kill, kill them and never ever die! Stephen Lang should get an award for playing the undeniable Colonel Quaritch with a straight face. His annihilation of the Avatar race will be the fodder of parody for generations!

There isn’t a whole lot more to like. Sigourney Weaver plays Sigourney Weaver again. (Where is Melanie Griffith when you need her?) George Lucas has nothing to worry about when it comes to amazing portals to fantasy worlds. With a zillion dollar budget, they couldn’t get anything better than a minimalist coffin made from injected plastic to transport you to the land of blue? I need some good electrodes and lightning ladders, guys!

Can anything save the Avatar world? Oh, my little blue meanie, there is l-o-v-e. Of course, at least one human falls in love with an Avatar and converts to Avartism. (Oy Vey!) Doesn’t everyone look good in blue (with Polynesian ornamentation?) Spoiler: After all the groom’s doubts are gone, ‘I Got the Blues’ lives happily ever after with the indigo girl. Time to roll the credits! (Even they last twenty minutes!)

If you have to see this misguided epic, pay the extra $3 and see it in 3D (even better – IMAX 3D!) This way, you’ll have silly black rimmed glasses to wear with your friends at Applebee’s after the movie is over. Come on! You need to have some fun tonight! I can’t wait for the sequel: ‘Neytiri Gets The Blues’ shot entirely in Chicago featuring Buddy Guy as the bride’s father.

There’s no sense in my attempts of dissuasion. I know you are going to see this movie. Just go when you are really tired and need a long nap. You won’t miss anything in the first eight reels and you’ll feel like you have accomplished something! There you are: This is Avatar! Oh me, oh my. Why? Why? Why?

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